My dear little Scumbucket,
Your reports, nephew, continue to astound.
That is to say: how anyone with your illustrious lineage could continue to be such a stupendous underperformer never ceases to amaze me! If you are still able to keep gathering sufficient energy to simply maintain your own miserable existence, much less contribute in any useful or meaningful way, it must be not from your own efforts, but due to the fact that your fellows and elders are doing their jobs at such a spectacular level that there is a great deal of surplus nourishment around to be scavenged.
Our goal, our purpose – to feed our insatiable hunger for the energies created by the negative emotions of human beings – has been the same since the beginning, has it not?… and the nature of our prey has not changed significantly, though our methodologies have steadily gained in efficiency. In earlier days, we were hunters and gatherers, following small human communities as they wandered about, gleaning what we could from their fears and terrors. Then we learned how to cultivate, how to farm, how to herd. So in the past we have spoken in agricultural terms, of “tending our flocks,” of “harvesting” and “reaping.”
But now we are well on our way to moving from agricultural models to industrial ones. We are mastering the techniques required to manufacture negative emotions to order, as desired, from easily obtained raw materials… and soon will come mass production… and then automation!
But for now, nothing replaces sheer effort and diligent hard work. And though you certainly do not deserve it, you have a great support network in place to assist you. Our Philology Department is constantly at work, corrupting language, warping your clients’ thoughts, twisting their vaunted logic and rationality to our purposes, sowing the seeds of fear, confusion, anxiety, and discord. Our human dupes, those who have thrown in their lots with us (wittingly or not), are kept blindly pursuing their personal agendas for power and prestige without a moment’s thought for the suffering they cause their fellows. We have even devised ways to make the Church itself one of our leading suppliers! And you can – if you can bother to apply yourself to the task – take advantage of it all!
So get out there, my dear nephew. Bombard your clients’ minds constantly with regrets, resentments, fears, and worries! Distract them with shiny, meaningless desires – lull them into unthinking stupors – prod them and push them and pummel them! Keep their eyes off the prize, their minds in the gutter, and their hearts in their shoes for their brief time on Earth – and then you will enjoy the fruits of their delicious sufferings for all time.
Fail to do this… and well, you know the saying: “Bring us food – or become food yourself!”
Your ever-ravenous uncle,
Screwdisk
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